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The Onion Sues Tea Party for Loss of Readership
NEW YORK (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – On the eve of the U.S. 2010 midterm elections the news satire organization The Onion has initiated lawsuit proceedings on several Tea Party organizers and...
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4-Year-Old Gets Wasted on Rum Balls
YUMA, Az. (The Onion) — 4 year old Joey Curly became thoroughly plastered on rum balls last night, sneaking between 10 and 15 of them off the buffet table of the Sacred Heart church function.
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New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens ‘It’s Gay To Smoke’
WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — The CDC’s new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you’re totally crazy for butt sex.
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Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots
NORTHEAST, U.S. (The Onion) — Latest estimates show that 18 idiots in the region have already been afflicted with frostbite after locking themselves outside in their underwear, and another 12 have...
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Voice-Activated GPS System Takes ‘Top Gun’ Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone
LOS ANGELES, Calif. (The Onion) — Motorist Ken Boucher’s voice-activated navigation system flew him right into the Danger Zone today when it mistakenly responded to the Top Gun soundtrack playing on...
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Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks
ENCINO, Calif. (The Onion) — Developers are putting the finishing touches on Modern Warfare 3, which they say will be the most true-to-life military game ever created with the majority of gameplay...
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FDA Official: “Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable”
WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) – Deputy FDA Commissioner Steve Hoyer made an announcement today urging Americans to “just eat a goddamned vegetable once in a while”.
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Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer ‘Around Here Somewhere’
BALTIMORE, MD (The Onion) — John’s Hopkins University Professor Humbert E. Huggins revealed today that after decades of research that he had discovered a “100% infallible cure for cancer”, and that he...
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Enraged Man Fails To Destroy TV
SHREVEPORT, LA (The Onion) — Immediately after seeing his ex-wife in a commercial, Bill Schwartz flew into a destructive rage and attempted to smash his television by launching two shoes, a box of...
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